Wee Wally's willie was wedged while whizzing...

Normally the Brits are a sensible lot, not likely to get "bogged down" in general silliness, but an article in today's Toronto Star certainly got my attention.

I would ask you to please refrain from laughing out loud - as I did earlier this morning. I actually made Rice Krispies appear out of each nostril - a feat unto itself since one has been blocked thanks to a rugby incident in the early '70's.

Dr. Joe Philip of Leighton Hospital warns that parents should be extra vigilant during the holidays. "As Christmas approaches, many families will be visiting relatives and friends and their recently toilet-trained toddlers will be keen to show how grown up they are by going to the toilet on their own."

It would seem that there has been a rash of small boys who have sustained injuries to their tadger by way of falling toilet seats. There is, by all accounts, a major risk of "penis crush" from heavy wooden, ceramic and ornamental toilet seats.

I am not making this up.

So it begs the question? Why now? Growing up as a lad in Scotland, I never heard of any of my friends being caught short by American Standard's best. Rhetorical question; is there something wrong with the youth of today that would cause certain unwitting and likely well-developed male children (imagine the whole process of "an accident" and you'll "see" what I mean) to suffer such embarrassment and potential physical and mental scarring?

Unbelievable. And to think that money was actually spent on this study - and it was delivered with a straight face.

I do, however have first hand knowledge of an incident with an older gentlemen who, one Christmas morning many years ago, bleary eyed and hung-over, helped with the annual Christmas morning breakfast. This fellow was the only male in a household of women. There was his wife and his five daughters. This poor fellow treasured any time he could get in their one washroom

I digress.

So hung-over to beat the band, the excitement of Christmas morning and the crescendo of six twittering women - removing a ham from the oven, this poor fellow somehow managed to catch the drawstring of his PJ bottoms in the oven door as it closed, drawing him inexorably closer to the diminishing opening as the door closed - rapidly.

The drawstring was not the only wayward object that got caught in the door that morning.

By all accounts, this fellow's member resembled a piece of flank steak for many days after.

Needless to say, ham has not been on the Christmas morning menu for some years now.

Kitty update...

The Dude continues to improve.

We will not be releasing him into the general population today, after all.

Since we are still monitoring food and liquid intake and it's subsequent "release", it's so much easier to do it when the beast in question is segregated. Remember, there are five cats and at this point in their evolutionary cycle, have not managed to make their litter box deposits with unique ID attached.

So The Dude remains in our bedroom in solitary. Earlier today, we let Ben in to see him. Ben initially ignored Zack; there were way too many new scents for him to discover all at once. However, once the initial scent foray was completed, the two buds nuzzled one another and Zack decided to clean Ben's large face as he dropped his head and leaned in towards The Dude.

Cute moment. Would have been a Kodak moment, except nary a cell phone or camera was to be found.

We spoke at length with Dr. Jeff and we all agreed to keep The Dude in isolation -- not that he's contagious or infectious, but...

So likely Friday or Saturday, we'll "release the hound", so to speak.

We're all doing so much better with administering his meds and that regimen too should also be completed by Friday. Zack now sees me approaching with a syringe full of his medication and he jumps onto our bed and prepares himself for the inevitable dosing.

Sheryl and I pretty much do the same.

Our Christmas cat...

As many of you are aware, our kids are our pets. Currently we have five cats, all Maine Coons and one dog, Ben, a Bernese Mountain Dog.

Last May we made an effort to reduce some household expenses. One of those items deleted from the budget was insurance for the cats. You see, our cats, being indoor felines, are not exposed to some of the nasty things lurking outside - including country wildlife, such as wolves, coyotes, black bears, foxes and the like. They are also unlikely to contract any weird diseases. They all see our vet, Dr. Jeff Simmons, once a year for a check up and shots. In all the years we have owned cats, we have not experienced any major health issues. So, we cancelled the cats' policies and doubled up the insurance on Ben.

Last week, our youngest cat, Zack began to exhibit odd behaviour. He became lethargic and stopped eating. He also puked a couple of times. Zack or as we refer to him, The Dude, has always had a voracious appetite and, in spite of being neutered, he never developed a hanging belly, so common in fixed felines. If anything, he was always on the slim side and was full of energy and mischief from the get go.

Not last week.

We took him in to see Dr. Jeff Simmons at the Peterborough Pet Hospital. Zack will be two years old in February, just like his "brother", Ben. These two are practically inseparable. The Dude thinks he's a dog; Ben believes he's a cat (a cat the size of a mountain lion!). Initially Jeff was a little concerned about The Dude's weight; seems although he had grown from his last visit, his weight had barely changed. Blood samples were taken and sent to Guelph for analysis. Seems these days just about everything can now be ascertained from these tests at one time. Jeff was looking for thyroid issues, pancreatitis, diabetes and cancer. OK, so he was not looking for them; he wanted to rule them out.

Meanwhile, The Dude returned home with us. We kept him segregated from our general population - much to Ben's dismay. He sat outside our bedroom door, waiting for his buddy to come out and play.

That did not occur.

Meanwhile Jeff had "given" us some special food which was quite dense and loaded with calories. We were to force feed him. Ever attempted to force feed a cat? In spite of his general malaise and weakness, we discovered that there was nothing wrong with The Dude's adrenal glands. We had to practically hog-tie him and wrap him in a blanket to attempt feeding. Limited success - but we both still had all our fingers.

Over the next 12 hours The Dude’s condition declined. He was still throwing up and he did not look good. We could see that he was fading before our eyes. The next morning, Jeff gave us 90% of the results. Everything was normal. We were still, however, waiting for the pancreas and thyroid results - they were expected the following morning.

The previous evening after many calls to our friend and Maine Coon breeder, Sharon, we had decided that even if all came back negative, we wanted The Dude to be x-rayed - hopefully to see if there was any blockage of any kind within.

TLATO drove back to the vet's with our friend, Val, who offered to assist since I was out of town that day.

Zack was hooked up to an IV and pumped with fluids and antibiotics then sedated for the first of a series of x-rays. At this point, the cat appeared to have gas and feces in his system that, for some reason, was not moving. Young Zack was given the first of several enemas to flush out his system. Naturally, this made him even weaker. After each "flush", a further x-ray was taken. Eventually, everyone was satisfied that all was clear and there had been no evidence of foreign bodies in the flushed waste. An exhausted cat was then made comfortable and continued to be hydrated as he rested overnight.

The following morning, Jeff called to report. The last two tests were clear. Zack was being fed and they would be taking additional pictures to ensure that the processed meal cleared his system. He would, all being well, be released at the end of the day.

That Friday evening we drove into town and spent some time talking with Jeff. At this point, Zack was doing very well. However, the diagnosis was a little shaky. Perhaps there had been an infection in his bowel that caused his system to slowly shut down as he poisoned himself? Regardless, he was responding to the three medications he was on and our skinny kitty came home.

The Dude's been home two days now and he is back to his old self. His personality has returned as has his appetite. We have to medicate him for the next week or so, liquid meds taken orally - syringes and cats with sharp teeth - we are becoming more adept with each treatment.

We plan on releasing The Dude to gen. pop. tomorrow. Ben misses his buddy, and the other cats, Merlin, Rocky, Elvis and Xena know that something is amiss. Rocky has attempted to break into the room too many times - we have taken make-shift security measures - bungee cords attached to two door handles, otherwise Rocky would be in with Zack as I write. Not that Rocky would do anything; we just want Zack to get his strength back before he resorts to his usual routine.

So, it would appear that The Dude is well on his way to perfect health.

At a cost.

Sheryl and I had decided weeks ago we were not going to exchange gifts this season since we're off to Florida in a week or so. Just as well. We'd be looking for refunds to pay The Dude's vet bill.

Wow! Hindsight being 20/20, we should never have cancelled the damn insurance.

Who knew?

History has a habit of repeating itself...

It would appear that some people, Canadians, have particularly short memories.

Presently, in addition to the whinging and whining about Canada’s Government, there is a remarkable amount of wailing and gnashing of teeth regarding the newly established Liberal-NDP coalition.

Lest anyone for one moment forgets, on October 15, 2003, the Canadian Alliance (formerly the Reform Party), led by a younger, almost cherubic Stephen Harper and the Progressive

Conservative Party (under its new leader Peter MacKay), announced that they would merge to form a new party, called the Conservative Party of Canada. This was, no matter how one looks at it, a coalition. This “union” was ratified on December 5, 2003, with 96% support of the membership of the Canadian Alliance, and on December 6, 90.04% support of elected delegates in the Progressive Conservative Party. On December 8, the party was officially registered with Elections Canada, and on March 20, 2004, former Alliance leader Stephen Harper was elected as leader of the party. The new party was dubbed "the Alliance Conservatives" by critics who considered the new party a "hostile takeover" (does this rhetoric sound familiar?) of the old Progressive Conservatives by the newer Alliance.

The new Conservative Party would form Canada’s Federal government on February 6, 2006.

So endeth the lesson.

Adden-dumb to Wal-Mart post...

The family of a worker trampled to death in a "Black Friday" crush of bargain hunters at a New York Wal-Mart store filed a wrongful-death lawsuit on Wednesday, claiming store ads offering deep discounts "created an atmosphere of competition and anxiety" that led to "crowd craze."

In simple terms, the advertising made people do it.

Please.

As many of you know, by day, I own and run a small, full-service advertising agency based in Toronto. While I do believe strongly in the power of the written and spoken word, I am amazed that some lawyer saw fit to pursue this based upon the above premise. But wait. It is the US after all, perhaps the most litigious nation in the world. A lawyer or law firm took this case on a contingency basis – if successful, they will receive a percentage of the award and then goes about their normal business, listening to police scanners and chasing proverbial ambulances.

The lawsuit claims that besides failing to provide adequate security on Friday, November 28 for a pre-dawn crowd estimated at 2,000, Wal-Mart "engaged in specific marketing and advertising techniques to specifically attract a large crowd and create an environment of frenzy and mayhem and was otherwise careless, reckless and negligent."

Say what?

“Guns don’t kill people… people kill people.” Here’s a quote from the Urban Dictionary… "Listen, Buck, when the gun-control crazies protest the concealed carry legislation, all you got to say is 'guns don't kill people, people kill people'. I mean, it's just that simple. After all, when guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns, right?"

I digress.

Jdimytai Damour, 34, was 6-foot-5 and weighed in at around 270 pounds. He had been hired by an employment agency as a temporary worker at the Wal-Mart store and had been on the job a week when he died. Damour died of asphyxiation after being crushed by the crowd, which broke down the electronic doors in frantic pursuit of bargains. At least four other people were treated at hospitals, including a woman who was eight months pregnant. Interesting sidebar, here; Damour was as big as an NFL lineman. He was placed at the entrance of the store to assist with crowd control. Profiling?

I continue to digress.

Not wanting to leave out anyone lest they be offended, this action, in addition to the retailer, also named the realty company that manages the property and a security company hired to patrol the property, as defendants.

"Those hundreds of people who did make their way into the store, literally had to step over or around him or unfortunately on him to get into the Wal-Mart store," Nassau County Police Commissioner Lawrence Mulvey said this week. "Police are reviewing store video to identify possible suspects in Damour's death, but Mulvey conceded that criminal charges are unlikely.

So let’s be clear. No-one rolled up a flyer or newspaper and clubbed Damour with it. No one threw a barrage of mp3 files containing radio spots. No-one threw video tapes of 30-second commercials at him.

I am not for one moment absolving Wal-Mart of any blame or responsibility here. By all accounts, in this store at this location, security and security measures were perhaps not what they might have been. However, step back for a moment and ask yourself this; how many Wal-Mart stores are there in the United States? The answer, as of August 31, 2008 is 4,227. It would be a reasonably safe assumption that the vast majority of those stores participated in Black Friday sales. Across the nation, the air waves would have been crackling for days with advertising, urging consumers to part with their hard-earned dollars. Spend, spend, spend. At how many Wal-Mart stores was someone killed on that very day? One.

Advertising did NOT kill this unfortunate individual.

He was killed by a frenzied crowd of bargain hunters on a mission – to purchase something, anything at a ridiculously low price – because they could.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

The defense rests.

January 26, 2009 - who's kidding who?

Pop quiz: do Stephen Harper and his band of merry yes-men (and women) seriously believe that over the next seven weeks the mighty Conservative propaganda machine can undo the sentiment of the majority of Canadians?

I believe that the above sentence is a text book example of a rhetorical question.

After a secretive two and a half hour meeting with Canada's Governor General, Michaëlle Jean earlier today, Harper sought the dissolution of Parliament to buy some time and avoid the inevitable.

The official term is "prorogue".

Prorogue basically means to temporarily shut down the workings of the Parliament. It is a way for the government to hide from its constitutional duty to address Parliament, in this case avoiding a vote which could topple their already tenuous (death) grip on power.

Remember, in Canada, we do not elect a Prime Minister. We elect individual members of Parliament. The group of members (usually aligned to a formal political "party") who have the largest group, traditionally form the government. This gaggle of enlightened individuals is often comprised of former lawyers, car salesmen and zealots from all walks of life. They then choose from among themselves a Prime Minister and other Cabinet Ministers. That “elite” group continues to hold the reins of power until they "lose the confidence of the House". Losing the confidence of the house has usually meant losing a vote in the House of Commons on what is called a "money" bill. So they can lose a vote on the passage of a new law, but not on a budget, for instance. When a government loses a confidence vote, they are expected to resign. Now, when they resign, the Governor General chooses one of several options. These include calling an election, refusing the resignation (sending the government back to work it out like mature and responsible adults), or the Governor General can ask the opposition if they are prepared to form a government. That is what the current "coalition" wants her to do.

It's worth noting that coalition governments are perfectly legal and quite acceptable. Remember, we did not elect a Prime Minister, we elected members. Those members are free to form any alliances or coalitions they choose. That is all that the current coalition is doing; they are forming a fresh grouping that happens to include members of two parties - Liberal and NDP. It's legal, it's traditional, and it's even all quite democratic in the true sense of the word – but in the most basic of ways. Another important point to remember; at this point, the Bloc is not an official member of this alleged coalition.

The coalition, which would have a 24-member cabinet composed of six NDP and 18 Liberal MPs, has vowed to make an economic stimulus package a priority, proposing a multibillion-dollar plan that would include assistance for the auto and forestry sectors. Nothing for the man on the street, Joe the Plumber -- sorry, wrong campaign... wrong country... bad idea.

Harper's rational for this move? "The economy is the priority now, and the public is very frustrated with the situation in Parliament. We're all responsible for that." Harper even went so far as to make this statement in French. Now and only now does he choose to pander to the hard line sovereignists. I always thought that it was impossible to suck and blow at the same time, but Canada’s soon to be deposed leader, appears to have mastered the fine art. Kudos for that, Steve.

As was the mantra during the recent US election campaign, "It's all about the economy, stupid!"

By the way; C-SPAN is fast becoming "Must see TV!"

Life resembles art...?

It's all pretty pathetic, really.

The following muffled statement was heard from behind closed doors at 24 Sussex Drive over the weekend. "Put 'em up, put 'em up! Which one of you first? I can fight you both together if you want. I can fight you with one paw tied behind my back. I can fight you standing on one foot. I can fight you with my eyes closed. Oh, pull an axe on me, eh? Sneaking up on me, eh? Why, I'll... Ruff! "

Seven weeks ago, Canadians decided that we were not ready for a change in our Federal government and did not upset the Conservative party who were returned with another minority. It's not that we did not want a change. The problem lay with the leadership, or lack thereof within the Liberal party - who were the one possible viable alternative. The minority kept the ruling Conservatives on a relatively short leash.

Boy, was that leash ever short. Seems it was attached to a choke chain.

Governor General Michaëlle Jean - for the sake of this post, she might be referred as Dorothy, could be forced to decide the fate of the minority Parliament in the coming days. Prime Minister Stephen Harper could seek her permission to discontinue the current session of parliament, thus avoiding defeat at the hands of an NDP-Liberal coalition.

Or she could elect to hand power to the NDP-Liberal coalition, formally sealed yesterday, if they defeat the Conservatives as threatened next week. Yesterday, December 1, the Liberals and the Jack Layton led NDP signed a formal, unprecedented pact to replace the minority Conservatives, who were re-elected just seven weeks ago, with a coalition government. With guaranteed support from the separatist Gilles Duceppe's Bloc Québécois for at least 18 months, the Liberal-led coalition yesterday wrote to Jean to offer a governing alternative, claiming the Conservatives have lost the confidence of the majority of the House of Commons.

"We are ready to form a new government that will address the best interests of the people," said Liberal leader Stéphane Dion, who would lead the coalition government as Prime Minister. "It's all about the economy . . . it's why we are together, to fight this economic crisis."

But Harper and his Conservatives say they will fight to hang on to power in the face of an extraordinary opposition move to force them from office. Two senior cabinet ministers emerged after huddling with Harper last night to declare the coalition "undemocratic." Wow. Great response, guys. Feels like we’re back in a playground during recess - not dealing with a crucial milestone of this country's history during these tough economic times.

The three parties, with a combined total of 163 seats in the Commons, pledged to defeat the Conservatives, who have 143, at the earliest chance - perhaps next Monday, December 8. "There is no turning back."

Some background; Dion, who led the Liberals to their worst election showing in a generation on October 14, is now poised to become prime minister under the deal, until he is replaced by the winner of the Liberal leadership convention in May. You may recall shortly after the last election he decided to step down as leader. So it's entirely possible that Canada may be led by an already lame duck party leader. Talk about no brain!

Meanwhile, Layton, who reminds many of a long-since retired adult entertainment extra with his cheesy moustache, is just beside himself. His excitement is oh so obvious. A socialist-leaning ideologue looking to serve his own personal interests. Talk about no heart!

And then there's our separatist ami, Duceppe. Waiting anxiously working tirelessly behind the scenes to undo this united nation and declare Quebec a Sovereign state. Talk about the actions of a coward!

So, now I've drawn the parallel to TLATO's favorite movie of all time, The Wizard of Oz. My work is done. Except, perhaps to point out the obvious; the Wizard, the man behind the curtain is none other than Stephen Harper.

As his good buddy, George W. might say, "Nice job, Steve-o!"

But wait; there's more! Here’s something really far-fetched to consider. At some point in the coming months, there will be another general election. Let me posit this ridiculous notion. What if the coalition government does a fantastic job. At the polls would the choices be: (a) Liberal; (b) NDP; (c) Conservative; or, (d) all of the above?

Limp leftist Liberals and Socialist NDP'ers and barely disguised Reformers. Oh, my!